Life Gets Better

The doctor left a message on my voicemail today. Everything is ok. Absolutely nothing to worry about.

So I am relieved. But it almost seemed like it was a very close brush with death. And it actually made me think about life and what I really wanna do with it. This experience brought me so much closer to who I really am and the things that matter to me.

I had so many things happening at the same time for the past 3 months that after my birthday, it felt like I just started a brand new life. For the past 3 months, I suffered so much but I know that after having gone through the fire, I came out shining like gold.

I definitely feel stronger, definitely appreciating life and the people around me more. Life is good, no matter what. Life is good even if it doesn't seem like it. Life is good.

And yes, life does get better.v

Birthday Party

My mom and my cousin threw a surprise for me and my nephew Jay-R. His birthday is one day ahead of mine so it was perfect. They rented this private place and invited family and friends. It was so fun spending time with the whole family. For the first time in many years, I had a birhtday cake again. It sure was fun making a wish and blowing the candles. And it was funner having shared it with my favorite nephew Jay-R who's almost 3rd year College now.

Lot's of good food, good company, good music and gifts! HEhehe I've never gotten that much gift in my whole life! Lots of envelopes (and that meant money - hehehe) from aunties and uncles and grandmas.

It came right in time when REI had an awesome sale on almost everything!

My Birthday Song

"I Wanna Do It All"
by Terri Clark


I'm sitting in traffic
For the 5th year in a row
Wasting my time
Just to get where I don't even wanna go
I started jaunting things down
On a krispy kreme sack
Everything I'd do
If I could leave this place
And never look back

I wanna do it all
Visit paris in the fall
Watch the yankee's play ball
I wanna take it all in
Catch a few beads down at Mardi Gras
Start a tradition
Lay down the law
I wanna do it all

I want to drink tequila
Down in Tijuana
Say why not
When somebody says "Hey do you wanna"
I wanna get my heart broke
Once or twice
Settle down with the love of my life
Rock little babies to sleep at night

I wanna do it all.

Wrapping It Up

Last entry for my 28th year. Tomorrow I will start another year. And hopefully it will be a better one. I'm sure it will be coz I can feel it already. Then I will be hitting the big 30. Booooooo.

The 28th year of my life was certainly an interesting one. I lived alone in my own apartment for the first time. No roommates, no cats, no dogs, nothing. It was just me and the occasional sound of my TV or sometimes the droning sound of the computer's hard drive. There were the occasional sound of the end of a broomstick hitting my floor which was my neighbor's ceiling. I guess they were irritated by the sound of my closet doors. But who the hell cares! We were all living in an apartment for God's sake. So when I found out that a single mother with her 4 month old baby was moving into my place after I left, I was ecstatic. I'm sure the baby irritated them so bad, more than the sound of my rolling closet doors. Hahaha

I had my first lay-off notice on my 28th year but found a great job before I was actually laid off. I visited Canada for the first time and a few other places, filled my laptop with thousands of pictures and my refrigerator door with souvenir magnets.

Approximately 2 months before my 28th birthday, I met a man that I eventually had a relationship with. I've always called him D in my blog. My 28th birthday was spent with him. As a birthday gift, he decorated my apartment and gave me lots of other stuff. Some of my friends said that D kinda went overboard given the fact that we've only known each other for 1 1/2 months.

It was a rocky 28th year for me; a wild roller coaster ride with my relationship with D. It was a year of loving without reservations and without fear of being alone. It was a year of lies and deception, something I thought would eventually change but never did. It was a year of listening to stories that never added up and acting like I bought every explanation while deep inside I was actually tormented because I knew they were flat lies. Yeah, my 28th year was definitely a year of learning and discovery of what people are made of and of what I am made of.

But hey, here I am, ready to be 29 years old - a year older, a year wiser and 18 lbs. lighter. I'm ready to face life again. So let's get the ball rollin. As Paul Coelho said,

"Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly."

Last Quote for my 28th Year

I was watching a National Geographic show earlier, "Name of Heaven," and this quote from Fr. Gregory Boyle really impacted on me.....

"Ancient monks when they felt distressed and very low, even despondent they used to have a trick. They would say one word over and over and over again and the word wasn't God and the word wasnt heaven. The word was "TODAY." And it was a thing that reminded them to stay right here, not to look forward to anything. And if our eyes are set on heaven then we will miss God present in this day. It's one of the great tragedies sometimes.... that people's eyes are set on something beyond this moment and they forget to be compassionate today."

Nervous As Hell

I'm impatiently waiting for my biopsy result. Part of me wants to know right now. But somehow I feel like a lil bit of stalling would actually do me good. I'm not really sure but yeah, I'm nervous as hell. I am praying it's nothing but a piece of fibrous tissue that can easily be taken out. If not, well, I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get there.

I'm sure things do happen for a reason. That nothing is ever a coincidence. That yeah, every moment planned or not, intended or not, they're all part of a grand masterplan. So whatever the result will be, I will not sit it out. I won't sulk in one corner and act like I'm a victim. I will be who I am now. One strong-willed woman.

But I'm still nervous though. And a time like this pushes me to do an inventory of my life: things I've done and things I've always wanted to do but never had the time or the guts to do it (e.g. like getting a tattoo), people I've somehow helped, heartbreaks and happy memories, places I've been and places I still wanna visit (top on my list is Peru), people I've wronged and people I need to forgive. Somehow, times like this makes me more reflective about life and about things that really matter.

So what really matters?

Right now, all that matters to me is the bouquet of roses sitting on my desk at work - an early birthday present that my boss gave me. She walked into the office earlier this morning and handed to me the most fragrant bouquet in a vase I've ever had. And the sweetest thing about it is that it came right from her garden! I wish I had my camera with me so I could have snapped a picture of it. But yeah, it was really lovely. And it was so thoughtful of my her. She also promised to take me out for lunch on my birthday. :)

The flowers came at the right time when I was feeling nervous and anxious about my biopsy result. They brightened my day and made everything seem a little better.

So what else matters....

A mother's voice, an old friend's laughter, a touching note from a childhood friend written on a recycled paper, the joy of finished projects like scrapbooks and babyshower favors...

Life is good indeed... although sometimes, it can be like a fucking crazy roller coaster ride.

Mystery of What Lies Ahead

I’m scared. I wish someone would hold me right now, right this second to tell me everything will be fine. Someone who would tell me, “No, it’s probably not gonna be cancer.” I just need to hear it; to calm me down coz self-talk isn’t working for me right now.

I went straight to the bathroom when I got to work from an early appointment with my gynecologist. I had to wash my face, take some deep breaths, and put some face powder on to hide dried tears and the fear that’s overwhelming me. It’s going to be a rough day for me at work for sure and this is the last thing I would wanna have in mind.

My doctor found an abnormal growth in my uterus. So she did a Pap smear although I wasn’t due for one yet, not until next year. Just hearing her say growth made me nervous and anxious about what lies ahead. “We need to do a biopsy,” I heard her say. I wanted to cry right there and then coz I was so scared. I’m not used to hearing things like that – not from a doctor.

She inserted a speculum that was rather uncomfortable but she said that was normal. I could hear her grabbing some piece of metal, probably forceps or something and it made me feel like I was going to faint. I felt her scraping and tugging something inside. And to my relief, after about 3 minutes, she said she was done.

She showed me a bottle of liquid with some foreign red matter floating in it. Apparently, it was something she took from the abnormal growth inside to be submitted tothe lab to find out whether it’s benign or cancerous.

My doctor did not offer any words of consolation nor false hopes. She just said she’d call me in a week or so when she gets the results back. Either way, she said I might have to get surgery to remove the growth.

She might call a week from now. And a week from now will be my 29th birthday. On my birthday, I might find out whether I am going to get a sort of a second shot at life or if I’m starting to walk down the path to a slow death.

On my 29th birthday…

Home At Last

She moved in today with me. My cat, that is. I'm just letting her roam around my room for now, letting her get used to the environment, familiarizing herself with the smell around her. I had to stop by Pet Food Express earlier to get her a scratching post, a comb and a toy. I was smiling to myself as I browsed around the store coz I remember how I used to hate the pet industry. But don't get me wrong.

I love pets. I always have. But it didn't make sense to me that people spend way too much money on toys and other stuff for their pets while a kid is dying somewhere coz of hunger. Now, I'm one of those people. I've already spent around $120 for food, litter box, litter, scratching post, toy and comb. I also paid $25 to get her microchipped. But I was thinking, well, I have already given my life for the cause of saving humanity one life at a time. It shouldn't hurt to save one cat's life. And also because my mom paid for her. If it wasn't for my mom suggesting it, I wouldn't have a cat with me right now.

Luna. That's her name. I was gonna name her "kuting" as Bing suggested but Luna's her original name and she responds to it so I think I'm gonna let her keep that name. She's a beautiful, adorable Seal Point Siamese.

I hope our relationship will workout. We're kind of in a trial period right now. I have 7 days to observe whether I really wanna keep her or not. But based on the way I feel, I wanna keep for a long time.

So we'll see how it goes. Welcome home, Luna!

Etc. Etc. Etc.

A's lost again today - coz I was there. Lol. It's ok though. My mom really enjoyed it so it was worth it. Got us a couple free Athletics shirt, a Limited Edition Eric Chavez figurine (for 1st 10,000 fans) and a free A's coffee mug.

Almost caught a foul ball, but the guy sitting practically behind me got it.

Here's a picture of Rich Harden on the mound getting ready for the game.

God, I'm too lazy to write anything else here. It was a good weekend with my mom. Spent Saturday shopping around. Finally got her a sewing machine so we shopped around for patterns and fabric she can use.

I think she also mentioned about getting me a Siamese cat for my brithday. I don't know where she got the idea but she must have noticed how much I enjoyed the cats at Pet Express Adoption Day.

So we'll see if I find one I fall in love with.

A Quote

"But I cannot simply do nothing, pretend that everything is normal, that it's just a stage, a phase of my life. I want to forget it, I need to love-- that's all, I need to love.

Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly."

from Paul Coelho's book: "Eleven Minutes"

Sleep, Where Art Thou?

Dammit. Can't sleep so I decided to write some random thoughts. Probably something really, really trivial. But hey, my life has been full of trivialities lately.

• Currently terrified by upcoming LSAT. My dream lies on the result (sort of).
• Got a full bladder but too lazy to drag my feet to the bathroom.
• Wearing a black shirt from my old job.
• Opened the windows. Nice cool breeze coming in.
• Chatting on Yahoo with my favorite best friend in the whole world.
• Grateful for different Time Zones.
• Thankful for buy one get one coupon for baseball tickets or else i wouldn't be able to afford a ticket for my mom.
• Pissed that I didn't score tickets to David Gray concert, my favorite singer in the world.

Yawn. Yawn. Yawn.

They Won The Series!

Yay! Oakland A's won the series against the Anaheim Angels! I wasn't able to watch the game coz I was at work but I passed by the coliseum earlier and the parking lot was full of cars and I thought it's gotta be a sell out again. I almost called in sick for half a day to go see 'em play but I had 2 important meetings today so I didn't. A's is now the best team in the Western Division of the American League! Wooooohoooo! I'm crossing my fingers for more wins this weekend against the Minessota twins. And hopefully they won't lose when I go watch them on Sunday.

Pretty easy day for me at work today. I am learning more on how to take things easy at work. My boss came to my desk yesterday when I stayed late and tried to finish up some stuff. She asked me to go home and take care of myself because our job is very stressful. I appreciated the thought and packed up. She even helped me put away the charts on my desk. She also asked me to leave early today because I've been staying in for extra hour since Monday. So I got off early today and got to relax quite a bit.

Days go by quick at my job. Tomorrow's Friday already! On Saturday, my mom and I are going to the Pistahan at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts in San Francisco. Then Sunday, we'll go to the ballgame. It should be a fun weekend. Hopefully I'll get to see Roda too, so I can pick up Bing's gift from the Philippines for me. :)

Ok, gotta go. Gotta go check my laundry. I hope they're done by now so I could go workout at the gym right away.

I Knew It!

Oakland A's won tonight coz I wasn't there! Yay! I had to watch them on TV and damn, it was a really good game. I wish I was there with the 45,000 crowd of mostly A's fans. Oh well. It doesn't matter. They won so I'm freakin stoked again. A's tied with the Angels and I'm crossing my fingers that they will win tomorrow's game which will push them to the top position of the Western Division. Go A's!

Damn A's

There were more than 40,000 people at the stadium tonight. Damn, man. The energy of the crowd was intense. I've never seen that much crowd at an Oakland A's game and I've never seen as much TV crews out there, filming an important game.

And A's had the most disappointing performance. They disappointed me and tens of thousands of other fans out there. Hell I thought we're on for a great start since Harden was pitching! I even made a poster especially just for Rich Harden dammit. And he sucked. He let the Angels scored 7 points by the 2nd inning. What the hell was wrong with him! And then Dan Johnson was just standing therewhile the ball run past him. He was spacin out like it was some Little League game. And I also made a poster for him. Go Dan Johnson! He hit homers for the A's on their road trips and now that they're back here, he sucked big time! Grrrrrrr.

It was still fun though. Got a few autographs from Angels players since we were about 4 rows from the field near the Angels dugout. I can't wait for Sunday when the A's go against the Minnesota Twins. We'll be sitting by the A's dugout this time. And I'm bringing my mom to the game! Yay! I bet you she'll be sitting there with a perplexed look on her face coz she wouldn't understand what the hell is going on. Hehehe. But I just want her to see and experience more of the American culture. So we'll see how she'll react on Sunday.

So that was it. I still flew my A's flag on top of my car even if they lost. We'll see how they'll do tomorrow night. Hopefully they will do better since Zito is pitching and he has a better average than the Angels pitcher.

We'll see. I'm crossing my fingers and no, I'm not going to the game tomorrow night anymore because it seems like everytime I watch an A's game at the stadium, they lose. It never fails. So tomorrow night, I guess I'll just sit infront of my TV with a bowl of pop corn and a can of Coors Light and I'm good.

Go A's!!!!!!

Weekend's Over

God, time flies. And it flies so fast. Tomorrow, I’m back to work again.

Weekend was alright. I didn’t do much. I cleaned the house on Saturday, spending approximately 4 hours to dust, vacuum, scrub etc. It felt great cleaning the house though. It felt like a big accomplishment. Hehehe

Today, I went to Lake Chabot in Castro Valley with one of my friends. We checked out the picnic places we can use for E’s baby shower next month. The place is nice and there are lots of stuff do, kayaking, canoeing, boating, hiking etc. Looks like a fun place so we decided we’ll have E’s baby shower there.

Got me some baby shower party favors to work on, a poster and some poster paints to make banners for the A’s game on Tuesday. It should be a good game between Oakland A’s and Anaheim Angels as they compete for the top position in the American League.

Woohooo! Go A’s!

My Oh My

My Oh My
by David Gray

What on earth is going on in my heart
Has it turned as cold as stone
Seems these days I don't feel anything
Less it cuts me right down to the bone
What on earth is going on in my heart

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my

What on earth is going on in my head
You know I used to be so sure
You know I used to be so definite
Thought I knew what love was for
I look around these days and I'm not so sure

Just Another Day

I went to see a doctor today. I had my annual physical check-up. Blood pressure is good. Pulse rate is good. A little overweight said the doctor. I was amused to hear the doctor say that because I am not just a little overweight. I am really overweight and yep, I'm even embarrassed to let the world know my BMI. So I thought that was really nice of the doctor to say I'm just a little overweight.

I told him I'm really concerned about my weight. I also told him I'm worried about the fact that after I stopped taking birth control pills, I felt bloated most of the time and that it seemed like I instantly gained weight around my midsection. He said birth control pills can do that to a woman's body but he said he thinks I could use a little help in losing weight.

So he sent me to the lab for thyroid and liver test. He said if my liver test comes out good, he will prescribe me a diet pill that would inhibit fat absorption. This pill I think is Rx only and I've heard it before. It's Xenecal. I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to lose weight this way but he said I shouldn't worry coz it's safe. He also set me up with a dietitian so she could look at my daily calorie intake and will give me suggestions on how I can cut back and improve my diet. He also said it could be a thyroid thing too. But he doesn't know yet until he gets the result back from the lab. So yeah, I feel satisfied with this doctor's visit. I have been complaining to my previous physician regarding my weight but all she said was "Exercise!" Glad my new physician was willing to refer me to a dietitian and sent me to the lab for testing. So yeah, I'm definitely on my way to a better and stronger body.

I also asked him about this white spot I noticed on my eye. He looked at it and he said it's nothing to be worried about. According to him, it's jsut some sort of a white "skin" due to too much exposure to the sun but it won't affect my eyesight at all. I told him I have an upcoming appointment with the Opthalmologist and he advised me to still go and have them check my eye but he said it's really nothing to worry about. He thinks that an Opthalmologist may suggest surgery though. His last advice about my eyes: 'You gotta wear sunglasses in the sun all the time."

So everything is good. I just have to wait a little bit more to know my cholesterol level but other than that, everything about my physical self is good. Just gotta keep losing this extra weight. And I'm not worried. Coz I know I will.

A few minutes ago, I just started writing my personal statement for Law School. I've written a few sentences and suddenly, writer's block. I wanted to write mostly about "what I am made of and what am I made for" but I got stuck. So I browsed around for sample personal statements online but I found them inhibiting my creativity instead of enhancing it. So I decided to just saved what I started and write on my blog instead. Maybe it would get me more inspired, get the creative juices flowing blah blah blah

So I've been squeezing my brain but nothing's comin out of it at the moment. I guess I better go to bed. I'll probably be better off writing my personal statement early tomorrow morning, as soon as I wake up. Trust me Bing and Abel and to all your Journalist/Writer friends. I will need you guys' help to edit and proofread my personal statement. Please.... I need it for Harvard! Hahaha I think I am already in dream world. I better hit the sack.

And continue to dream about Harvard. Ahhhh, only in my dreams.

Just like love. Only in my dreams... never will it be a reality. Never.

It Ain't Real

So I was sitting in my car with the radio on listening to stupid love songs that don't fucking mean anything more. Life is fucking great let me tell you. But I still feel fucking angry. I wish I could help feeling angry and bitter because I just realized how uncapable of loving I have become.

I sat by my window for a long time staring at nothing, thinking about love and how shallow and meaningless it has become. Love don't mean anything to me anymore. Why would it mean anything when I have loved and gave every fucking thing I was capable of giving but still ended up with broken pieces of my heart? Tell me how can that make sense. I know I'm not the first person who's loved and lost and lost very badly but to all those who did, how can that make sense?

So what do you do when you thought you finally found your soulmate but he leaves you with nothing but just imprints of his memory here and there and everywhere? What do you do? Tell me. Do you just fucking go and try to find another soulmate? So maybe I should start believing that maybe somewhere in Asia or Australia sits my soulmate, probably sitting in a cafe whispering to another girl's ear that they are soulmates.... too. Or that a guy in a bullet train in Europe is wishing for his soulmate to cross his path but too bad he married an Italian girl of his dreams, or so he thought until he found out how much of a bitch she really is. God, how many soulmates can we possibly have. But what if each one of us has only one soulmate and the one that just left was the one, then I'd have to live the rest of my life without having one.

Damn, this whole love thing is so fucking bullshit. I don't wanna have to do it with for a very long time. The most handsome, most gorgeous guy can come and ask me out right now but I ain't messing with that shit. Not right now. I don't believe in love. Not for now. Not for a very long time.

I see my heart as nothing but a piece of black tar. Not capable of anything. It's just one ugly blob in it's sorriest state. I never thought it would ever reach this point. I used to sit by the window at my old house, hoping and knowing that someday I would find love that's grand, love that would last fucking forever, or at least something that would last me a lifetime. But now, I've grown, and I don't believe in that crap anymore.

Ok, yeah, I might still go out on dates. Maybe accept dinner invitations but trust me, what's love has to fucking do with it. I'm sorry but I have lost the capacity to love again. I hear stories of broken hearts, lost love and betrayals. I've heard other people's stories way worse than mine. So tell me, where the fuck is real love? Where do you find it?

Do you find it in the 50th wedding anniversary of a couple as they renew their vows? How would I know it's true love between them and not just being scared to be alone? Do you find true love in a high school prom where a beaming young girl gets her first dance and a few months down the road her first dance ends up in someone else's arms?

Where is real love? Real romantic love? Is there such thing? Or are we just fucking living in a dream world? Was I fucking living in a dream world thinking I can find true love? Thinking I can find my soulmate, someone who would wanna spend a long time with me? Tell me, should have I planted my feet on the ground? Why did nobody ever tell me that love is nothing but a figment of our imagination? That it doesn't really exist. That we imagine it too much that we begin to actually believe in it. That it's real.

Then one day, life whips you in the ass and you wake up. You open your eyes and you see, there is no love. Because everything was just a dream. Just a fucking dream....

Very Well Said

Here's a quote from Jennifer Aniston as she answered interview questions for the Vanity Fair regarding her failed relationship with Brad Pitt....

"Am I lonely? Yes. Am I upset? Yes. Am I confused? Yes. Do I have my days when I've thrown a little pity party for myself? Absolutely. But I'm also doing really well."

From A Long-lost Friend

A long-lost friend of mine emailed me the following "forwarded message." It's something I've gotten before but it's good to be reminded of life's simple truths.

- Cry a river; build a bridge; get over it
- Everything happens in its own time
- You are the only person who can make yourself HAPPY
- Laughther is the best tranquilizer with no side effects
- Happiness is a journey, not a destination
- Do today what others won't so you can live tomorrow like others can't
- It is never too late to be what you might have become
- Treasure the LOVE you receive; it will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished.
- The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step
- Always have something to do, something to LOVE, and something to HOPE for

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It Feels More Like Home

Comcast finally has the GMA network! Wooooohooooo! Now it feels more like home here, with TFC and GMA. Truth is, I don't really watch that much of these Filipino Channels but I like the fact that I can just switch the TV on anytime and feel like I'm back in my little 'ol town.

Finally decided to join a gym again. 24 Hour fitness had a promo which was a really good deal so I decided to sign up. No contracts so that was a plus point. Now, I'm on my way to a better, leaner and stronger body. Gotta take care of me, inside out. So next on my list is a really good hairstyle. Something that would compliment my plump face. Hehehe

That's about it. Work's a little crazy for the past few days but I'm lovin it. I can't really complain with a supervisor as great as mine.

Oh by the way, tonight, I tried to make Paneer Tikka Masala - one of my favorite Indian dish. Uhmmm, sad to say that it didn't turn out as good as I expected it to be. I guess my culinary skill wasn't good enough. Not yet. I guess I just have to swing by Naan N Curry after work one of these days and have their mouth watering Paneer Tikka Masala. Hmmmm. Yummy.

Just another day in the life of "Meh."