Three-Day Weekend

The road is calling. It is longing for the warmth of rubber tires and for the pounding sound of an aimless traveller's heartbeat.

And I, long for the excitement of a long overdue aimless roadtrip. I do. I do. I really do.

So what are we waiting for? Let's go!

East, West, Northwest. Who cares.

As long as tires are spinning and the music playing, destination doesn't really matter. Just as long as we're headed somewhere.

Gaaaaaah. The mystery of an aimless roadtrip...

Back... Again

Ok. I’m back from hibernation. I’m alive and I’m well. Isn’t that great news? Life is good, I think. Dammit.

I intentionally refrained from writing anything on my blog. I actually didn’t write anything, not even in my paper journal. Nothing. I refused to process anything in my brain. Well, yeah, I did try at first. I tried to process everything and picked my own brain for some answers for my gazillion questions. Questions that start with mostly why’s and how’s. I was drained just thinking and processing so I decided fuck that. I decided not to process anything. Ceased asking my questions because I knew I wouldn’t get any answers.

I refused to think. And during those moments that my thoughts got bombarded with the why’s trying to figure out how, why and what the hell really happened, I refused to write my thoughts down. I didn’t want to document the turmoil I was going through. I didn’t wanna have a record of how intense the pain was. This is so not like me but I didn’t want to have that memory. No, I don’t wanna remember every single detail, every stabbing pain I felt while I was sitting in my office, in my car, and in my apartment. No, I don’t wanna remember the tears I cried in the bathroom, the anger and bitterness I felt and the anxiety over unanswered questions. I want to forget how hard it was to face my clients and act like everything’s okay while deep inside my world was caving in. I want to forget that once again, my heart was shattered into tiny, little pieces – hell no, I don’t wanna have that memory.

But isn’t what I’m doing right now? Documenting it? Kinda like creating an electronic imprint of what I was and still going through? Hell, I don’t know. At least I am not writing every little detail. At least right now I am not crying. I am just in a passive state, not feeling anything – aside from the occasional pangs of pain, anger and bitterness that attacks me every now and then.

But I’m alright. Just like Melissa Etheridge's song "BREATHE" goes:

IT ONLY HURTS WHEN I BREATHE

I played the fool today
I just dream of vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

And I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

My window through which nothing hides
And everything sees
I'm counting the signs and cursing the miles in between

Home, is a feeling I buried in you, that I buried in you"

IT ONLY FUCKING HURTS WHEN I BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!

Damn, why the fuck does the heart never learn. I should be better at this now since I’ve had my heart broken in past. It’s not like this is something I am not familiar with. But no, the heart never learns.

Dammit.

Niyahaha!

Life is funny...

Ironic...

Cruel.

FYI: I'm not just talking about my life and the way it is for me right now. I am talking about the lives of many others who have had their own share of life's unfairness.

No, life is never fair. I never thought it was. Never.

Just read Bing's "Katanungan" entry. You'll see. ALthough Bing keeps telling me that life is fair. Sorry Bing, you know you're my best friend but on this one, I think we have to agree to disagree. Waddyathink?

More About Life

You are born into this world an innocent.

Guilt-free.
Sugar-free.
Caffeine-free.

Then suddenly...

WHACK!

You are spanked.
Really hard.
This is unfair.
You have done nothing wrong.
You know this for a fact.

How?

You haven't had time to do anything - period.

You are only 3 1/2 seconds old.

You haven't had time to catch your breath, let alone time to covet a neighbor or furtively screen calls on your answering machine. You don't even have an answering machine yet. You don't even have people to avoid yet - you are that spanking new.

Which brings us back to that spanking.

WHY? Why you?

Why all the pain?

Although you're only 3 1/2 seconds old, you have just been though a BIG LIFE LESSON.

LIFE LESSON #1

Pain exists.
Life can hurt.
Like a lot.

Even when you're good,
you can get whacked.
Without apology.
Without explanation.

It's not until later, that you finally LEARN...

LIFE LESSON #2

That pain back in LIFE LESSON #1 was for your benefit.

You were being
taught to breathe,
invited to suck
down a yummy
oxygen/nutrogen
cocktail. That
painful wahck
was necessary
for your growth.

Of course, had you been told this at that time, you still would not have understood with your naive lil' baby mind.

And so it goes for much of the pain in your life. Often you need to evolve a bit more before you can understand a bit more.

*excerpt from a book I picked up from a garage sale: "How To Be Happy, DAMMIT" by Karen Salmansohn.

Life's Ultimate Lesson

I think that learning how to be alone and getting good at it is life's ultimate lesson. That's why almost everything in life is so transient. So fleeting. Just like the beauty of a rose just about to bloom and the serenity of a lovely sunset. Everything is so ephemeral just like the captivating mystery of a late-afternoon rainbow.

Look around and you'll see tidbits of the ultimate lesson. Tidbits that tell you nothing in this life is permanent. Signs that are prodding us to get good at being alone as much as we can. Because in the end all we got left is nothing but ourselves.

I wonder though, if I will ever reach that point of getting good at being alone? So good at it that my whole being will be overwhelmed with numbness and pain will no longer have its place. Will I ever reach that place? A place where it doesn't matter how much I have given of myself - I won't hurt because by then I have learned and mastered the lesson of being alone.

I'm not sure if this is sad or not, but I'm back to my old, comfortable shell. Surrounded with my music and my poetry, a world where I know my heart and my soul are safe. A world where I can prove that being alone isn't so bad and where being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely.

So let me rest here for a while in this dark cocoon. I like it here and I prefer it here. For now.

Someday I will emerge and flutter my wings like a colorful butterfly - by then, I would have mastered the art of being alone and I will no longer be afraid to say, "Hey, catch me if you can." No, I won't be afraid because at that point I'll be having a blast being alone that no one can catch me ever again.

Turst me, life will be a blast... even if I am/will be alone.

Updated Moving Sale

Queen Mattress with Box Spring and Frame - $200
Kitchen Table with Four Chairs - $45 SOLD
DVD Collection - $5 each (most of them unopened) titles include: Behind Enemy Lines, Y Tu Mama Tambien, L'Auberge Espagnole, Shawshank Redemption etc.
Wine Stand (with 4 bottles of wine) - $30
5-drawer dresser - $25 with matching nightstand - $15 or $35 for both
Patio Table - $20 SOLD

Shopped Till I Dropped

Waaaaaaaaah. But hey, shopping is a lot funner than paying $105 per hour for a therapy session, no?

Got me new books, shirts, shoes, and brand spankin new Chevy Tahoe!!!!!!!!!! No. Not really. Almost though. So please, somebody stop me from going to the Chevrolet dealership tomorrow. I so freakin want a new car. And I think I deserve this one.




Probably not. Might just go to Great Cuts and get me a cheap $14 haircut.

Moving Out Sale

Queen Mattress with Box Spring and Frame - $200
Kitchen Table with Four Chairs - $45
DVD Collection - $5 each (most of them unopened)
titles include: Behind Enemy Lines, Y Tu Mama Tambien, L'Auberge Espagnole, Shawshank Redemption etc.
Wine Stand (with 4 bottles of wine) - $30
5-drawer dresser - $25 with matching nightstand - $15 or $35 for both
Patio Table with 2 Chairs - $20

Yep, I have given up my apartment and moving in with my family therefore I have to sell some of my belongings to make my move a lot easier.

My Life At The Moment

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In other words: NOTHING MAKES SENSE.

A Mask Indeed

It’s funny how I am walking around the office today flashing the best smile I could muster everytime I come across somebody. And of course they smile back. Or I smile back at them. And I was thinking, hell, they don’t know how my night went. And they don’t have any idea of how I really feel inside.

And it makes me wonder about the people we come across with, the people we see on the streets, in the store, everywhere. Lots of them have smile on their faces and some of them would even smile and say “Hi, How you doin?” But how many of these people are wearing that beautiful mask of a smile? I went to a Chinese pastry shop for breakfast today before I headed to the office and the pretty Chinese girl on the counter smiled at me. I smiled back thinking, hmmm, I wonder if she has some sort of a heartache at the moment just like I do? Are we wearing the same mask? The funny thing is, this mask I’m sure looks genuine to anyone who doesn’t know me.

I went to the bathroom earlier and look myself in the mirror. I wanted to see myself smile – to check how genuine it looks – and to my surprise, it did look genuine. It will surely fool all the people around me.

A smile is a mask indeed. And a beautiful one at that.

I Lost A Love

but I didn't. Even after hearing the words "move on" and succumbing to them (I had no choice), I feel it in my heart as if I did not lose him at all.

After pouring my soul out to D tonight I feel as if nothing has changed. And I don't think they did. I know he loves me, I know he does. He did. And he still does. I'm pretty sure about that. I'm sure it was a torture for him to listen to me cry like that. I'm sorry D. I know you understand though. At that moment, I felt like I was slowly getting sucked into a tunnel and something was horribly sucking the life out of me.

But after 2 hours of talking to D, I realized I wasn't in that dark tunnel anymore. Yes, I think at that moment I was dying. But they say that when some people die, they go toward the light. They get attracted to this bright light. And I think that's what happened to me tonight.

I died. But right when I thought I am in an endless tunnel, I saw a bright light and I went towards it. There was no choice. THe light was so bright that I can't help but be drawn to it. And I know this light will guide me and help me be the person that I am supposed to be.

I may be hurting right now but in my heart it is calm. It's ironic and I even find it hard to explain the way I feel. Heck I am still sobbing, but in my heart I feel a sense of peace and calm that exceeds all understanding.

I don't know how and why I feel this way but I just know in my heart, and I feel it in my heart like I have not lost him at all.

I have loved him fiercely and poured my heart and soul like I never have. And I have no regrets. And just like that Trisha Yearwood song goes:

"If If I'd've known the way that this would end
If I'd've read the last page first
If I'd've had the strength to walk away
If I'd've known how this would hurt

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I'd've loved you anyway"

Yes, I would've loved you anyway D...

Today's Learnings

I went to a training this morning. Got a chance to learn more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy from an expert. God, there's so much to learn and I'm glad that even this supposedly "work training" are learnings I could apply in my life. Today is like a refresher course on Social Work 210 or something. We talked about maximization (of the problem) and minimization (of ability), absolutist thinking and a lot more. But the one I like the most are pop-up thoughts. These are thoughts that pop up automatically when we hear or encounter something. And most of the time these are negative thoughts.

And since a lot of people think this way, we have to apply thought stopping process. Nip it in the bud before the thought's dominoe effect takes place. Coz if we dwell on these negative automatic/pop-up thoughts, it will quickly lead into more negative thoughts causing unnecessary stress until it exhibits in the physical realm in the form of an anxiety disorder.

I'm sure I could use this learning too. LOL

I checked Amazon today and it looks like my book's been shipped. Can't wait to get that one coz I really want to have my own copy of DSM-IV. I'll probably get it by Wednesday or Thursday.

Trying So Hard

Trying so hard not to cry
When I come home
And I know he wont be
Coming to hold me in
His arms so comforting.

Trying so hard not to think
Of how far he is
and how long it would be
Til I see him again
And feel him again.

Trying to get on with my day
Without his wakeup call
I've gotten used to
Now I have nothing
But the sound of my alarm clock.

Life is no longer the same
But I gotta try.
Gotta try.
And try.

Try not to cry.

Weekend With Mom

Mom, Bryan and I drove to Big Sur today. I wanted to show her the spectacular California coast. And we were lucky enough to see it in it's bluest state. No fog, not that much wind. It was just perfectly beautiful. We stopped at a couple Vista Points then headed out to the waterfalls. I think she was kinda scared of my driving though. LOL. Well, too bad mom. I guess you gotta learn to drive ASAP but until then, you're stuck with me on the driver's seat.

On our way back, we stopped by the Great Mall. We shopped for some shoes and other stuff we're sending to my cousins back in PI. It's interesting because I don't think I would ever buy shoes as expensive as the one's I bought for Royce and Xaris. Lol. I'd rather go to a garage sale hoping I'll find a pair of shoes that fit me that would probably only cost me about 25 cents. But I'm sure they will be so surprised and excited when they get those shoes. Hell, they're so much nicer than the Nike running shoes I got.

Kinda tired so I better hit the sack now.

Ciao.

A String Of Moments

“Always remember… it’s the moment that counts,” my supervisor said as I was getting ready to leave work. I told her how interesting that she should mention that coz I just wrote an entry in my journal (paper not online) about life as being a string of moments. Then she added, “it’s the journey, not the destination.”

God, if I take these words seriously right now, that means my life is like the boy’s life in Paul Coelho’s book, “The Alchemist.” Everything happens for a reason. And why I am here at this job, and why she became my supervisor all happened for a reason. And she said those words to me, as if speaking directly to my heart to tell me that life is all about the moment.

So I shared to her what I wrote…

“A String of Moments”

Today I realized that for me to enjoy each to the fullest, I should look at life as a string of moments. Every moment is a bead that I put on my string. Some of them so uniquely beautiful while a few others are distorted yet they blend in perfect harmony with the rest. Those are the seemingly ugly beads I choose to keep because either they remind me of how strong I was at that moment and overcame whatever adversity it was . Or maybe I decided to keep it to remind me of some stupid mistake I made and to remind me to try not to make them again.

I realized that yes, this is what "living for the moment" is all about. It means taking time to gaze into your friend's eyes s she rants about a bad day at work and how small her paycheck is. It is about how sweet her smile is when she sees you. It is feeling the warmth of your loved one's hands and the soothing sound of his/her heartbeat as you lay your head on his/her chest. It's about hearing the excitement in your niece's voice and enjoying her worryfree laughter. It is about noticing the fleeting beauty of a flower just about to bloom. And the smile of a bride walking down the aisle.

Life is all about noticing the special gift that each moment brings. Every moment is a bead. And when you start looking at life like that, it would become a beautiful string of colorful beads - one beautiful string of moments - and in each bead you'll see a reason why you should smile and how special your life really is.

New Job

My new job title terrifies me sometimes. I look at the paperwork I sign and it freaks me out to see that I am actually doing Therapy now. Yep, that’s what I do. Therapy. And I am working under the supervision of a licensed Psychologist and Psychiatrists. Pretty interesting job, I have to admit. But the responsibility that comes with it seems so enormous at the moment. Maybe because I just started about a week ago. Or maybe because clinical social work is something I’ve never really considered since college. But nevertheless, here I am, doing clinical social work. And this is as clinical as it could get.

A lot of the terms and acronyms sound so vague and at times they sound like Greek to me and yet they seem so familiar. I probably have encountered them back in school but it’s been 9 years since I got out of school. So it’s pretty challenging right now. Challenging but very, very interesting.

We’ll see how long it could keep my interest. But from the looks of it, I think it would interest me longer than I initially thought it would.

Key Elements to Happiness

Something I got from work....

Key elements to happiness:

• Control over your own life
• Optimism
• Religion
• Involved in challenging jobs/hobbies
• Close relationships
  

When one is stuck in a situation, one has four options:

• Change
• Make the best of it
• Leave the situation
• Be miserable

Job Etc..

First 3 days at my new job was ok. Didn't really do that much since my trainer was on vacation. It was mostly introduction to coworkers, supervisors, reading the employee handbook and familiarizing myself with office policies. My supervisor took me out to lunch on my first day at a very nice CHinese Restaurant (Mandarin Style.)

2nd day was kinda like amazing race. I borrowed the restroom key from one of the doctoral interns so I could go get a copy for myself. Unfortunately, she didn't know where I can get keys made. So on my lunch hour, I ventured into streets of China Town to look for Thai Iced Tea and a key maker.

I had to ask a few places where to get a key copied. And it was like Amazing Race, coz of the language barrier. All the people I asked from didn't speak English and talked to me in Chinese! And all I could do was nod my head and head to the direction where they were pointing at. After about 30 minutes of aimless search for this shop that made keys, I finally found it! After trying to decipher store signs in all kinds of Chinese (Mandarin, Cantonese etc.) I finally got myself a copy of the bathroom key. Phew! I just realize how har dit must be to win the Amazing Race.

Yesterday was my 4th day on this job. And boy, it was busy as hell. My trainer was finally here and he's Filipino from Baguio City so he spoke Ilocano as well. He's a very nice guy and showed me a pic of him and his partner. We got down to business and reviewed charts, treatment plans etc. Right about lunchtime, my head started to hurt with all these new info. Information overload. After lunch, I had to sit dwon with my supervisor for supervision. I have weekly supervision which is really nice so I could discuss all my issues and questions with her. Then I had to go to a Team Meeting after supervision where we did updates, both business and personal.

Onthe 5th day of my new job, I ordered myself a copy of DSM-IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) which according to my supervisor is the bible of my job. I have a copy sitting here at my office. Heck everybody in the office has one. But I want my own copy so I could read it at home and familiarize myself with diagnosis and blah blah blah. LOL

This going to be a challenging job and I'm lucky to have a new job I look forward to when I get up in the morning. Having a very mentally demanding job right now keeps me from focusing too much on other life's crap. It's all good though.

Ciao.

This Is It

Reality that is. I tried to push it back as much and as long as I can. But now, there's nothing more I can do but face it. Face this reality that I've been trying so much to run away from.

D called me while I was sitting in a park. It was just me and a family there. They were playing football - mom, dad, boy and a little girl. Above their cheers and laughters, D told me he can't come see me tonight and that he is leaving tomorrow. He will start his 5-day road trip to Nashville for his new job.

I tried not to cry. I tried not to sob coz I didn't want him to hear me crying. Yes, I am happy for him. But I'm also sad. As I previously mentioned. But I couldn't help it. I cried. I cried like a little girl who's mother just left for a long trip. I cried like I never did before.

Happy and Sad

D got the job at Sony in Nashville and I am so proud of him! Congatulations sweetheart! You deserve it! And that makes me really happy for D. Happy that his dreams are all coming true. And I can feel it in my heart that far greater things are yet to come for him.

But I can't also help but feel sad that he will be moving away soon. As soon as next week. And the reality of it hit me hard today. I tried to push the thought away into my subconscious but today, his soon departure is all I could think of. I tried not to cry last night when he was giving me his sweetest kisses. And I tried even harder not to let a tear fall when he kissed and hugged me before he left.

I sure am gonna miss him. I miss him already. Yet I am happy. I am happy that he is following his dream and it's becoming his reality. There is no greater happiness than knowing that the love of your life is living the life of fulfilled dreams.

I, too, was his dream. Last night, he said, I am his dream come true, the love of his life.

I know I am. And I will always be.

I love you D. And I am not afraid of whatever lies ahead. We've weathered things in the past. We have and we will again.

Again, congratulations on your new job. I'm proud of you babe and I will always be your greatest fan!

Indian Watchtower

Photo by Waves.

A tower built at the end of the South rim. Climbing to the top of the tower was worth it. It gives you spectacular sweeping views of the Grand Canyon and the Colorado River and a glimpse of the mysteriously beautiful Painted Dessert.