$700 Down The Drain

Well, not exactly down the drain. But it sure felt like it. I had to take my car to Firestone today for a new set of tires and an oil change. The tires were almost $300. Then the mechanic called to ask whether I will authorize them to change my break pads including my rotors. He said that my rotors are so worn out they needed to be replaced ASAP. They quoted me $700 for everything. I hesitated, but then I thought, I spend a lot of time in my car and my life actually depends on it. My breaks have to work properly. So for the sake of my own dear life, I authorized a $700 job to be done on my car.

Well, my only consolation is that my car is running better now. At least it feels like it. I trust it more now than I did before the mechanic worked on it.

It better not break down on me. It better not break my new found trust. No, not after I shelled out $700.

Love Is The Answer

Okay, the title sounds so cliche. But, yeah, I believe that love is the answer. I actually believe that love is everything.

I am happy because I love. I feel complete not because I am loved but because I love. I am content because I realized I am capable of loving unconditionally. I have learned to let my guard down and give all I am, all because of love. No why's, but's or what if's. I just love. No questions asked.

And hey, being loved back is just a BIG BONUS, a fringe benefit. :)

Counting My Blessings

Counting my blessings...

I just got the news today that my mom finally got her immigrant visa.

I have a wonderful sweetheart whom I can share life's happiness (and hardships) with.

I was out of quarters for a parking meter earlier and I prayed for an empty parking spot with 10 minutes left on the parking meter. (If you live or work in San Francisco, you know what I'm talking about. tehee) And guess what, I found a parking spot right in front of the store and the meter had 15 minutes left on it.

Life can't get any better than this.

and I'm still counting...

The Wind Will Be My Friend

This piece was written in April, 2002...

If I told you I am at the end of my rope would you believe me? If I tell you that tonight I'll be forever lost in my sleep, would you believe? Or are you just going to stare at me in disbelief?

My happy mask is melting. It can no longer withstand the pressure and the heat of this tunnel that I'm going through. This facade I've maintained is crumbling down. I am crumbling down. I can now see myself drifting away, slowly disappearing until my presence no longer matters.

Past memories tried to shape me into something that I did not want to be. I was there in that crucible. The fire started to shape me. Fragile me. And the fire that shaped me is the same fire that's melting me now.

And tomorrow the wind will be my friend. It will blow my ashes into the sea of broken dreams.

----------------

I woke up the next morning and this is what I wrote...

Tomorrow is here.

I woke up and I am still alive.

I am going on a long drive to the Grand Canyon tonight. Maybe it will make me realize that even the empty canyon in my heart is beautiful. Maybe there is a river running through it, giving it life.

I was young. I used to be full of reason. Now I am 26 and I find my heart caught in a gossamer of utter foolishness.

I am suffering behind the bars of stereotypes and double standards.... And I have already used too many Kleenex and wasted too many hours of a caring counselor.

Yes, I live a trivial life of a 26 year old Filipino woman.

Too Late

Here's a poem I wrote about 2 1/2 years ago...

i searched for love and found none
i tried to give all i am
till my soul was stripped naked
of what I used to be
i looked at the mirror and
i see this ugly figure
staring back at me
eyes piercing through my being
i stared back in fear and wonder
who is this ugly figure
so familiar yetunknown to me
is this deja vu?
i tried to look away
and escape from it's piercing stare
but the more i tried
the more that i can't
and the longer I stood there
the more naked i felt
anger filled my being
blood splattered around
as daggers flew from my tongue
blood stained my face, my chest
my naked being
finally i found myself
people surrounding me
can no longer run
love was all around
trapped inside
too late
i smiled
i found myself
home at last
home in this grave of mine.

Dangerous Driver

Am I bad driver? Let's see. I found this test online to assess how aggressive a driver I am.

1. When you reach a stop sign and no one is coming from another direction, do you roll through instead of stopping? NO

2. Do you talk on the cell phone while driving instead of pulling off and stopping to talk? YES

3. Do you take your coffee and muffin or other food and drink on the road with you, driving with one hand while using the other to eat? YES

4. If you're out shopping in a crowded area and are looking for a parking space, do you become so focused on your search that you lose sight of the cars and pedestrians around you? YES, sometimes

5. Do you hate driving behind SUVs or other large vehicles that obstruct your view? YES! This is one of my major pet-peeve!!!!!!!

6. Does your driving change when you go into areas with higher police presence? YES, because most of the time I am overspeeding.

7. Does listening to music while you drive sometimes leave you oblivious to all but the music? YES

8. Do you find yourself in confrontations on the road, either through verbal arguments or hand gestures, because of either your own driving habits or the habits of others? YES, in fact I flipped off this guy last night who cut me off dangerously because he was going to miss his turn! God, can't he just make a turn at the next fucking light?!

9. Does your "work hard, play hard" lifestyle leave you sleepy behind the wheel at times? YES, I get mentally drained at work almost everyday that sometimes I don't even remember how I drove myself home. Or maybe driving has just become an instinct that I don't have to use my conscious self to drive me home anymore.

10. When you're driving with passengers, do you turn around to talk, taking your eyes and mind off the road? YES, although I try my best not to. But when my gorgeous and handsome sweetheart is sitting right next to me, it's hard not to glance at him every now and then.

9 YES answers out of 10 questions. The assessment test said that the more YES answers I have the more likely I tend to be a more aggressive driver than average. God, I must be a very bad driver.

But damn, who wants to miss phonecalls on the road? Isn't that why we have cellphones? Otherwise, they won't be called mobile phones anymore. And who wants to drive behind trucks, SUV's and big rigs!? I sure don't! Only my friend Dyna does. She would stay behind a big rig in the slowest lane on the freeway and slowly inch her way home.

Should I be changing my driving style? Hmmm, well, I've only gotten 1 traffic ticket (overspeeding - I was only going 86 mph - around 140 kph) and have only been in 1 accident so I guess I'm really not that bad.

Mist Trail in Yosemite

This is one of the most wonderful, most awesome hikes I ever did. I almost chickened out on this trail because it was narrow and slippery. I'm glad I didnt. It was well worth it.

Thanks for a good pair of Merrel hiking boots from REI and a pair of Leki Trekking Poles that I won from the Yosemite Adventure Sweepstakes. How lucky is that? hehehe

Kissing My Boo-boos Away

He said he will come and kiss the boo-boos away. It was enough to make me feel so loved and cared for... I am so lucky to have a man like him, a man who encourages me to celebrate life as an emancipated, independent woman and also stands by me when I need a fortress to lean on.

Santol

I finally had my first Santol in the US. $3.40 for 3 little pieces of preserved santol fruit. The price is kind of stiff but hell, I am willing to pay $5 even for one little tiny fruit. Hmmm, suddenly, US became my home away from home.

Burnout

Symptoms of Burnout:

• forgetfulness
• fatigue
• sleeplessness
• colds and headaches
• mood swings
• sunday evening depresses you
• time drags and you constantly watch the clock
• Upon hearing rumors of layoffs, you pray, "Please, God, take me!"

Yep, I'm exhibiting 7 out of the above 8 symptoms. All of the above except sleeplessness. I do suffer from sleepless nights sometimes but it is out my own choice. Sometimes I think that staying up late is actually a privilege; something I've always wanted to do when I was a kid but was never allowed to.

I realized this job, this career has taken it's toll on me. I am tired of listening to other people's stupid shit. I have been doing this for 9 years, not counting a year of internship when I was still in college. I remember the times during my Senior year when I would secretly wish that my buddies would shut up because all we talked about were other people's problems, well, actually, the world's problems. We talked about life's bullshit in and out of the four walls of our classrooms, and it got pretty tiring.

It's been nine years of dealing with other people's crap, the world's crap. And I feel tired.

Maybe burnout is just another blessing in disguise - a gift, a wake-up call to change my life.

Or maybe I just need a quick jaunt to Hawaii or Mexico or Spain.

Maybe.

I'm just glad tomorrow is Friday.

Live by the Moment

"Because I don't live in either my past or my future. I'm interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always in the present, you'll be a happy man... Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now."

This is a quote I try to live by, quoted from "The Alchemist" by Paul Coelho.

Under the Weather

I am a little sick today. The weather is bad and it's making me feel lonely. Then I realized it's not really loneliness that I am feeling. It's more of a longing for my mom. A longing for a mother's touch, the touch that could make me feel better right away.

It was such a comfort to hear her voice even is she was 3,000 miles away. There is something about a mother's touch/voice that chases the pain away.

My sweetheart also called me. He actually called before I called my mom. And I'm glad he did because he always makes me laugh whenever I feel kinda down. By the time I talked to my mom, I sounded more cheerful although I still told her that I was coming down with a cold.

My sweetheart called me back after I talked to my mom. I knew he wanted me to sleep on the thought that he loves me and that he is always there for me. He really does a good job of cheering me up. God, is there anything that my guy isn't good at? :)

It just sucks that I can't see him for a couple days, maybe 3. I don't want him to catch my cold virus and bring it home to his daughter. But damn, I miss him! I want him! Now! hehehe You know what I mean, jelly bean?

His Daughter

Today was the first time I met her. I volunteered at the Pumpkin Patch Festival at the Ranch and Dan promised to come over with his daughter. I was nervous since the day he mentioned bringing her. But thanks to the Universe, yes, the universe conspired to my benefit. The organizer originally stationed me at the chicken pen but changed her mind and put me by the ponies and donkeys instead. I knew then that everything would be all right. I can’t think of a better venue to meet his daughter. Ponies and donkeys seemed like the perfect props for this meeting.

He made a simple introduction as they entered through the gate. And I was there, grooming and petting 2 ponies and 2 donkeys. I handed her a brush and let her groom and pet Quigly, the white pony. She then moved over to Omega, the donkey as I showed her how to tickle its ears. I was a little nervous but I was secretly crossing my fingers that she is enjoying all of these. Then they moved over to the goat pen as I handed a handful of grain to both of them, father and daughter, to feed to the goats.

I had to go back to my ponies so I just let them explore the rest of the Ranch on their own. Later, Dan came back as I was going through the gates to check on them to tell me that they needed a ticket for the horse ride. So I went to the front gate, purchased a ticket for the horse ride and handed it to his daughter.

She mounted the big, brown horse with elegance and sat uprightly on the saddle as they rode away from us. She was a picture of class, beauty and refinement. But this did not surprise me. Her dad is a picture of class and elegance himself.

She’s an adorable girl with a beautiful smile. I am neither a clairvoyant nor a prophetess, but I saw in her a fearless young woman, who would take no crap from anyone. When I heard her voice, I can almost see her clearly, growing up strong and confident, ready to take on the world. I looked at her and I saw Dan stamped all over her. I’m sure she has her mother’s own distinguished trademark too but she radiates the same aura that Dan does: strong, almost intimidating, but with that disarming smile. It’s that same smile that captivated me the first time I saw Dan.

Mundane Saturday

A.M.

10:30 - Woke up but did not want to get up.

10:45 - Still trying to convince myself to get up. But then I thought, why should I get up. It's a Saturday. I don't work today and I have absolutely no plans whatsoever.

11:00 - I decided to have breakfast at Denny's, maybe read the paper, people watch etc.

11:05 - I wish you could see me drag myself to the shower.

11:08 - Turned the shower on. This ritual took me about 15 minutes.

11:20 - I started the car and off to Dennys. I listened to 740 a.m. to catch up on the news. You'll never know when there's some big news hitting the air waves. But there was none. So I switched to FM and the song "Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan was playing.

11:30 - I pulled into Denny's parking lot and damn, there was no fucking empty slot. So I circled around until an elderly couple slowly pulled out of their spot.

11:32 - There was a 10 minute wait for a table. It kinda pissed me off when the server said "Just one?" when I asked for a table. I mean, c'mon, can't he say, "table for one?" Like eating breakfast alone is so abnormal.

11:45 - I finally got my table. I placed my order for a Lumber Jack Slam: 2 sausages, bacon and ham, 2 eggs, english muffin, hash browns and a stack of pancakes. I know it seems like a lot. But who gives a shit. It's Saturday, yesterday was payday and it's my breakfast anyway.

11:55 - I was served with this big American breakfast.

P.M.

12:20 - Finished eating, left a $2 tip (I know, I'm cheap), paid for my breakfast and left.

12:30 - I was at Bay Streeet Mall. I decided to buy myself a set of Bergamut Coriander lotion, soap and whatnots.

12:35 - I was walking towards Bath and Body Works when I noticed the sale sign at GAP. I went into the store, and made an unnecessary purchase :(. Hey, yesterday was payday. I think I deserve it. (That's me trying to convince myself that it's ok to spend money on myself sometimes.)

12:45 - I walked into Bath and Body Works, picked up Bergamut Coriander lotion and soap, when I noticed the Bergamut Coriander Body Wash. So I picked up a bottle of the Body Wash too. I was ready to go to the cash register when the Sales Lady approached me and convinced me to buy more of the body wash because they were on sale for $5. Wow! That's 50% off! So I picked up 2 then I decided, you know what, give me three of those. I told her I was buying some for my honey too. See, it's his favorite scent. And the moment I smelled it on him, it instantly became my favorite too. I was forever hooked.

1:00 - I walked to my car to put away my shopping bags.

1:10 - I purchased a movie ticket for Team America.

1:20 - Movie started.

2:05 - At approximately this time, I was in dreamland. That movie was fucking boring. It was stupid as hell. But I didn't wanna walk out of the theater because I thought, hell, I paid 8 bucks for this.

3:15 - Movie was finally over.

3:20 - I decided to use the elevator. My very first time to use it in this mall. See, I always use the stairs. But this time I wanted to do something different. It's one foolish attempt to spice up my rather mundane Saturday.

3:25 - I pulled out of Bay Street parking structure and drove home.

3:35 - I parked on the street, ran up to my apartment to grab my laundry. I had to finish my laundry today because tomorrow I will be at the Pumpkin Patch Festival.

3:54 - I packed my car with my laundry, checked my phone and I had a missed call. It was Dan, my sweetheart. God, I hate missing his calls.

3:55 - As I made a U-turn, I returned his call but it went to straight to voicemail. I left a quick message hoping he'll call me back right away.

3:59 - I decided to call him again. This time he picked up. He sounded tired. We exchanged a quick hi, hello, what's going on and hung up. It was enough to make my mundane Saturday extraordinary. Hell, even if he didn't pick up, just a missed call from him can make anyday extraordinary. :)

4:15 - I had to get cash from the ATM for laundry.

4:24 - Today is my lucky day. I found a parking spot right infront of the Laundromat.

4:26 - I had to go into the magazine store for some chewing gum because the money changer at the Laundromat only takes $1 and $5 bills.

4:30 - I loaded my laundry, walked out and hit the coffeeshop next door.

4:35 - Quietly sipping my cafe mocha and enjoying my book. Yep, I am trying to read "Memoirs of a Geisha." We'll see how long it will take me to finish this one. Since I read the "The Alchemist," I have never found a book that captivated me like the way that Paul Coelho book did.

5:05 - Walked back to the laundromat. Wash was done so I loaded them in the dryers. I walked back to the coffee shop where I left my book on the table so no one would grab my little space.

5:45 - Clothes were dry, folded them, loaded them in the car and headed back home.

5:57 - I realized that in 2 hours, they are drawing 6 numbers for Super Lotto. So I walked accross the street to 7-Eleven and purchased a ticket. Who knows, in 2 hours, me and my sweetheart might be $7,000,000 richer.

6:00 - Unlocked my front door.

6:01 - Answering machine was beeping, so I checked it. It was Rosa, my friend. She was having problems again with her boyfriend. God, I already told her a million times, that dude is a fucking asshole and she'll be better off without him. She just won't listen. And now, she is ranting on my machine and wanted me to call her back.

6:03 - I decided to turn the TV on. No, I didn't watch TV. But I still turned it on, a tip I got from a friend who was also trying to live the life of an emancipated woman. Turn the TV on, to drown out the silence, so you would feel like you're not really alone. That was her advice. And it's working.

6:15 - Took care of the dishes I left overnight. Dan my sweetheart came over last night. I cooked dinner for him (something that he really enjoyed, although I'm not sure if it's the food he enjoyed or the thoughtfulness of me, cooking for him - hehehe - maybe both.)

6:30 - Checked my email, logged in to Yahoo and chatted with AJ (ann jeanette) my friend in New Jersey.

7:05 - Emailed Dan directions to Deer Hill Ranch for the Pumpkin Festival tomorrow.

7:08 - I called Rosa back.

8:00 - I decided it's time for dinner. 4 pieces of leftover chicken wings adobo and 3/4 cup of rice, microwaved it, sat on the sofa and watched Survivor.

9:00 - put a DVD into the player. It's Sandra Bullock and Ben Affleck in "Forces of Nature." Yes, it's a chick flick. But who cares, it's a Saturday and I'm alone anyway.

10:22 - I sent my sweetheart a Goodnight SMS:

"Hmmm, I smell coriander. I smell YOU. :) Hmmm I smell like u. Hehe. I finally got my coriander lotion. Good night baby! Sweet dreams and sleep tight."

10:45 - Movie was over. So I decided to go to Blockbuster and get another movie. Yes, another chick flick movie. I tried to look for Fools Rush In as recommended by Bing but they don't have it on DVD. So I rented Chasing Liberty instead.

10:55 - I was trying to make up my mind whether to drive around a little bit just to relax (aimless driving relazes me) but then I thought of $2.45/gallon gas price and I decided to just head back home.

11:04 - Walked into my apartment.

11:06 - I noticed that my rock fountain made by my sweetheart was drying up. So I grabbed a glass of water and filled it up.

11:07 - I thought I deserved a drink so I poured Bacardi and pepsi twist in tall glass, with some ice cubes. Yeh, Saturday is almost over.

11:20 - I started typing away these thoughts. Not that anybody would care.

11:35 - Feeling buzzed... but still typing away.

12:12 a.m. - It's Sunday and I have to go the Pumpkin Patch Festival. I better finish my drink and crash.

When He Calls

He called this morning to wake me up and say I love you. Yesterday, he called me in the morning to tell me that traffic on the bridge is fucked up so I should just wait until they clear up both accidents. He calls, every now and then to tell me about his day and to ask about mine. He calls because he knows it makes me feel so good. He calls because he knows it makes my day. He calls because he wants me to sleep on the thought that he loves me, that he cares for me, that he wants me in every way.

He is my daily fix, a dream come true. He is everything I ever hoped for. He is more than wonderful.

The Advice Bunny

I came accross the advice bunny while browsing on company time. You could ask the bunny a question and it will give you an advice. I didn't have a problem at the moment, thank God, life has been sooo good since I met him. But I typed a question anyway.

Me: "Does he love me?"
Advice Bunny: "Yes, of course, you silly person!"

Whoa! Good one! I decided to ask again.

Me: "Does he love me?"
Advice Bunny: "Repeating questions confuses me and makes me give the wrong answers!"

How funny! So I rephrased my question.

Me: "Does he really love me?"
Advice Bunny: "Must you bother me with your constant questions?"

I think he's getting irritated. Maybe I should change my question.

Me: "Do you think he will make love to me tonight?"
Advice Bunny: Yes, Yes Yes Yes! Wanna order pizza?"

Ha ha ha! Damn bunny! How clever! My partner craves for pizza after sex! Hmm, does it mean that men in general crave for pizza after sex? If this is a standard answer that the Advice Bunny gives, then the above premise is true. All men crave for pizza after sex. Hehehe

I was tempted to ask my original question again.

Me: "So does he really, really love me?"
Advice Bunny: "Do you honestly expect me to know?"

Hahaha. I don't, I'm sorry little bunny. I guess I'd better ask the Advice Duck. I clicked on Advice Duck and...

Advice Duck: Advice Duck knows what the bunny doesn't. The answer is yes!

Okay, enough fooling around. I have to get my ass back to work.

Link to the Bunny: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/advice_index.html

For a Friend of a Friend

this poem was inspired by a story of a fearless, young woman in a wimpy disguise...

"like a classic masterpiece
hanging on a basement wall
in a damp, cold and dark corner
cobwebs and dust all over
but you, oh Marla, are a masterpiece
as classic as Jose Rizal's Sisa
looking for her Basilio"

Google

this piece was written about a year ago... my first attempt to write in Filipino in a foreign land.

Google ang paborito kong website. Mula nong ipinakilala sa akin ng kaibigan ko ang Google, nahulog kaagad ang loob ko dito. Ito na nga ang homepage ko e. Sa desktop ko sa bahay, sa trabaho at sa laptop ko. Google dito, Google doon. Kahit saan Google.

Google na ang naging katuwang ko sa mga panahong kailangan kong magresearch. Minsan nagresearch ako tungkol sa ancient Filipino script. Ginoogle ko ang salitang “Alibata.” Mantakin mo ba namang lumabas ang kay daming websites kung saan ako makakakuha ng impormasyon tungkol sa ancient script natin. Ang galing talaga ng Google.

Minsan may naging textmate ako. Mga 3,000 miles ang layo ko sa kaniya. Nandito kasi ako sa California at siya naman sa Florida. Ang sarap niyang kausap. Akala ko nga noong una mahuhulog na ang loob ko sa kaniya. Kaya minsan, ginoogle ko siya. “Keith Daniels.” Nagulat ako nang lumabas ang address at telephone number niya sa Google! Ang galing talaga! Patuloy pa akong nag-search hanggang sa nakuha ko ang ilan pang detalye sa buhay niya. May bahay na pala siya. Nalaman ko rin kung magkano ang market value ng bahay niya. Nakuha ko pa ang mismong receipt number nong nagbayad siya ng property tax. Namamangha talaga ako sa Google.

Naalala ko tuloy yong roommate ko noong college. Halos 7 years na rin mula noong huli kaming magkita. As usual, ginamit ko na naman ang kapangyarihan ng Google. Lumabas ang mga link na siya namang pinindot ko. Aba, nag-asawa na pala ang bruha. English na ang last name niya. Dahil sa Google, nakuha ko ang address at telephone number niya. 20 miles lang ang layo niya sa akin! Suwerte talaga. Manghang-mangha nga siya kung paano ko nakuha ang address at telephone number niya.

Bilib talaga ako sa Google. Isa siyang mahusay na search engine. Puwede din siyang dictionary, calculator at kung anu-ano pang functions. Pero paborito ko talaga ang search function nito. Dahil sa Google, natagpuan ko muli ang ilang mga kaibigang matagal ko nang hindi nakakausap. Natutunan ko rin ang maraming bagay dahil sa Google. Kung ililista ko lahat e baka mabagot ka sa pagbabasa.

Kaya lang bakit kaya ilang taon ko na ring ginogoogle ang pangalan mo pero lagi pa ring walang resulta. Lagi na lang, “Your search - "R. Guerrero " - did not match any documents.” Ito pa nga ang suggestions ng Google:

1. Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
2. Try different keywords.
3. Try more general keywords.

Sinubukan ko na ang lahat ng kombinasyon. Full name mo, first name initial at buong last name, full name kasama ang pangalan ng alma matter mo. Wala talaga. Ang ilap mo talaga sa Google. Alam ko Engineer ka na ngayon kaya sinubukan kong idugtong ang “Engr.” sa pangalan mo. Wala talaga. Halos lahat ng mga old friends ko nahanap ko na sa pamamagitan ng Google. Kahit yong mga crush ko noong college nakita ko sa Google. Bakit kaya ikaw hindi ko mahanap? Ikaw pa naman ang first love ko. Ikaw talaga ang hinahanap ko. 9 years na mula noong na love at first sight ako sa yo at ikaw sa akin. At 7 years na rin mula noong nawala kang parang bula. Isang bilin lang ang iniwan mo na pinasabi mo sa kaibigan ko. Mahal mo ako at babalikan mo ako balang araw. Matutuwa na sana ako nong sinabi yon ng kaibigan ko pero narealize ko kung gaano kalabo ang bilin mo.

Sinubukan kong ibaon ka sa limot, pero lately, madalas ka talagang sumagi sa isip ko. At tuwing sumasagi ka sa isip ko, Google ang karamay ko. Sa opisina, sa bahay, sa cafe. Para akong isang desperadang nababaliw sa Google. Paano kasi, Google na lang ang kaisa-isang pag-asa ko para mahanap ka. Hanggang ngayon kasi, mahal pa rin kita.

Teka, baka naman may asawa ka na. Hmmmm, mai-Google nga.

My First Parking Ticket

I got my first parking ticket in San Francisco today and I am pissed. Now I have to shell out $35 to pay the fine! Money down the drain! But I swear to God, I fed the parking meter a quarter for 15 minutes of parking time! I ran into the Filipino store for good ol' sinigang na bangus and when I got back, I got this stupid parking ticket! They're accusing me of not feeding the meter!

I am so pissed.

This is a great money making scheme for the City. And I doubt I can contest it. :(

Bye for now.