The Wind Will Be My Friend

This piece was written in April, 2002...

If I told you I am at the end of my rope would you believe me? If I tell you that tonight I'll be forever lost in my sleep, would you believe? Or are you just going to stare at me in disbelief?

My happy mask is melting. It can no longer withstand the pressure and the heat of this tunnel that I'm going through. This facade I've maintained is crumbling down. I am crumbling down. I can now see myself drifting away, slowly disappearing until my presence no longer matters.

Past memories tried to shape me into something that I did not want to be. I was there in that crucible. The fire started to shape me. Fragile me. And the fire that shaped me is the same fire that's melting me now.

And tomorrow the wind will be my friend. It will blow my ashes into the sea of broken dreams.

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I woke up the next morning and this is what I wrote...

Tomorrow is here.

I woke up and I am still alive.

I am going on a long drive to the Grand Canyon tonight. Maybe it will make me realize that even the empty canyon in my heart is beautiful. Maybe there is a river running through it, giving it life.

I was young. I used to be full of reason. Now I am 26 and I find my heart caught in a gossamer of utter foolishness.

I am suffering behind the bars of stereotypes and double standards.... And I have already used too many Kleenex and wasted too many hours of a caring counselor.

Yes, I live a trivial life of a 26 year old Filipino woman.