Too Exhausted

I'm too exhausted to write an entry right now. I just got back from Yosemite. I took my mom there today, spent the whole day showing her around, then I took her to dinner to a supposedly okay restaurant but the food turned out to be so terrible. More on that on my next entry.

Got me a movie from Blockbuster (Princess Bride) and just got off the phone with D.

I'm tired. So I'm off to bed now...

Another First

First love. First kiss. First breakup.

First layoff. Yep, I got my first layoff notice today with my paycheck. My job will cease approximately 2 months from now. Uh huh. Like I really care. I have a few jobs lined up already, only they don't pay as much. But hey, they're jobs. Something to do so I could pay my bills, have a roof over my head and eat.

The only thing that's really bugging me right now is the fact that I am tired of my career track. I feel like this is the perfect time for me to change. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted from my work. I need a vacation so bad and hopefully I'll get a chance to do that before starting another one.

I'm sort of happy to be getting off this carousel - carousel of bad, toxic politics, deception and lots of other bullshit. The truth is, I only stayed for the money. I needed money to pay my bills, my car and other things. Now it's time to get off this damn carousel. The music's become suffocating and I'm about to puke. And I don't think I'd wait until June 30th to get off. I'm thinking of accepting a job offer to work with the Filipino Community. I'm thinking about it. I'm still thinking about it.

Coz my other option is to get a job totally unrelated to Social Work. I need a break from people's god damn problems. I need a break from listening and processing and counseling. Hell, I have my own shit to deal with too, no? Nine years. Nine years of listening to other people's shit. I think it's about time for me to take a break.

It wouldn't have been as bad if there wasn't too much politics in here. It wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't top-down development. I expected that non-profits in a First World Country would be so much better and more progressive than non-profit agencies in developing countries but shit. I got the total surprise of my life. It's worse.

It's time to say good bye.

So long.

Why I Love Spring

Photo by Waves. Copyright 2005

even if it screams "ALLERGY!!!!!"

A Mountain

Photo by Waves. Copyright 2005

It's pathetic coz I don't even remember the name of this mountain!

:(

I know it's somewhere within Lassen National Forest though.

Much Needed Break

Photo by Waves. Copyright 2005

Yesterday I had my much needed break. I went on a drive although the weather looked forbidding. When I got to Half Moon Bay the day couldn't be more perfect. The sky was blue, temp was nice, and the ocean looked fantastic! It's been a while since I went to the ocean and felt the warm sand. And yesterday that's just what I needed.

Dream Home

Pic coming soon...

:)

Beggar on Grand Avenue

Photo by Waves. Copyright 2005

or should I say starving artist?

What A Bummer

My day started so well until I tried to back up from my parking spot and hit my apartment building's concrete post. I was so not there when I got in my car and I should have known better. I should have been more careful. I was trying not to hit the car next to me and I hit the post instead and damaged my tail light and bumper.

Why? Why? Why?

I am so pissed and frustrated.

End of rant.

For now. Gotta find me a cheap tail light assembly and maybe a bumper online.

Webster Tube

Photo by Waves. Copyright 2003

Underwater tube going into the City of Alameda

Postcard Row

Photo by Waves Copyright 2004

I used to live a block away from these famous post card houses. I still go there every now and then, reminiscing memories of me, sitting on that hill on Alamo Square, with my guitar.

It's one of my favorite spots. The only bad thing about is parking. It's almost impossible to find one around this block.

Changes

I saw wild flowers swaying in the wind. They were pretty. But darkness fell and all that was left was the memory of their fleeting beauty.

I heard birds chirping. But then the storm came and they all went back to their nest to cling for dear life. And all that was left was a lonely feather on the front yard.

I heard the thunder of a waterfall. But then summer came and all that was left was a tiny trickle against the face of a lifeless rock.

Fall came and the leaves turned into brilliant array of reds and yellows, browns and tangerines. But winter came and they all fell on the ground and there was nothing left but dead, ugly, bare branches.

But spring will come. And the cycle starts again.

Life's changes are inevitable. But yeah, you just gotta learn to roll with it.

Just learn to roll with it...

Blog Closure

I am seriously thinking about it. Thinking about writing my last piece and then... that's it.


Maybe...


Not.

Bing's First Manila Bay Sunset

Photo by Bing R.

"I have waited for ages to witness the famous Manila Bay sunset. When I finally did, the experience lasted for about seven minutes. Waaa! It was worth the wait, nonetheless. =D" - Bing

and I replied:

"The most beautiful things in the world are worth waiting for. But sometimes, no matter how long the wait is, they only last for a while. And then they're gone. And all you have left are memories...

And a photo like this if you get lucky. :)"

I loved this photo. Makes me long for home...

My Flavor (What's Yours?)

Cor blimey, I taste like Tea. I am a subtle flavour, quiet and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain. What Flavour Are You?

Of Love and Freedom

Thanks Abel for reminding me of this wonderful quote. Thanks a lot girl.

"All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly.

And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free.

That is why, regardless of what I might experience, do or learn, nothing makes sense...

But what am I saying? In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.

It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.

That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it."

*Excerpted from Maria's Diary from Paul Coelho's book "Eleven Minutes"

It's The Journey, Not The Destination

Yep, it sounds super cliche but we know that cliches like that are often grounded in life's practical truths.

What are relationships for in the first place? Why does every human heart clamor for that sense of belongingness? Why can't we stand being alone even if we aren't exactly lonely?

It's interesting how most of us view relationships in a single dimension. We see 'em as black and white. We look at them as "either or." We get stuck on the thought that if we decided to be in a relationship we sit, wait and pine for that moment when he will finally pop that question: "Will you marry me?" Why are we conditioned in such way?

What is really important in relationships? Is it the destination? Or is it the journey?

I realized something as I was laying there on my bed early this morning, that it's the journey that matters. Destination isn't here yet. It's something we look forward to. But the journey means more than the destination...

I guess I am simply saying that I should be living the present and not the future. For it is the present that can be enjoyed. We can only hope for the future but no, we can't enjoy it. Not yet. So why waste my energy worrying about it when I could get myself busy having a ball, having a grand celebration of what is NOW.

I need to keep reminding myself this...

Coz if the journey is good, why should I really care about the destination?

----------

Test, Friend, etc.

I think I did ok on the test earlier. It wasn't easy even if I had the sample test online. But I still think I did ok.I think I failed the Bilingual test though. I can't for the life of me, remember what is the Tagalog term for birth certificate. I sat there for a minute, staring at the sentence I had to translate. I got stuck on it. So I just made something up. I translated it as "katunayan ng kapanganakan." That is the closest translation I could ever come up with so hopefully it's good enough.

Later Bolivs, Ehleey and Jo came over for dinner. It's been a while since we had a get together and it made me so happy that they all made it today. We grilled some corn, chicken kebabs, baby back ribs and had some drinks. I made a smoothie as an alternative for Ehleey who's pregnant. Gotta make sure the baby is well taken cared of. :) We also made plans for Ehleey's upcoming babyshower. And it looks like I will be hosting it. This is their first time to see my new place and they loved it. And all I can say is, "This is all D. Right here. It's his signature." :)

Then we decided to drive up to the logs coz Ehleey and Bolivs' never been there.

I'm feeling lonely... now that they've left. So I'm trying to wrap up my day through this blog. I still haven't heard from D and it's tearing me apart...

Stillness of the Heart

I ended up going for a short day drive with my mom yesterday. We both enjoyed each other's company although I didn't poured my heart out to her. The day was beautiful, no clouds in the sky. And I didn't wanna ruin it with any more tears.

I am going to take a test at 12:30 p.m. today for a County job I am applying for. I am scared. I am scared to fail it. It's a 3 hour test and although I found a sample test online, I don't feel as confident coz my heart is restless and my brain is tired.

I need my heart to be still even just for a moment. So I could pass this god damn test.

But I can't think about anything but D.

:(

Off Today

I am taking another day off today.

I am sick. I haven't had a decent meal since Tuesday and I don't have the appetite to eat. I wanna eat but my tummy refuses to take in anything. I feel tired. I am thinking of going to the doctor but then I don't think I am sick enough for them to take me in.

I think I am just gonna spend the whole day reading my favorite book "The Alchemist" and reflect on life, maybe take a step back and look at where I've been, the things that happened and why they happened and what's out there in store for me. I've always loved this book and have read it quite a few times. Everytime there are things in my life that I don't quite understand, I go back to that book to be reminded that I am moving towards my treasure no matter how many detours I am forced to take.

And even as I am writing this entry right now, I am already reminded that life is a journey and that at the end my treasure is waiting. But I have to believe in it and the signs I see along the way. I cannot lose hope. Not now. Not when I started believing in "happily ever afters" again. Not now - because I do not and will never regret loving D unconditionally and without reservations. No, I can't afford to lose hope. I gave love my everything this time around. I thought, "Why not. Why shouldn't I? Love is grand." And it was grand. It still is. Even if I am in tears as I am writing this.

I've had my share of broken hearts and betrayals in the past. And I always told myself never to let my heart fall into the same old trap again. I didn't wanna love again. But I did. I may be hurting right now, but honestly, I don't have any regrets. Loving D was the best time of my life. Never have I ever loved anyone the way I loved him. I poured my heart and soul to him and loved him with everything I got.

I may be hurting right now but I know that growth sometimes is a very painful process. And I'm sure that hurting inside at this moment will make me stronger... it will make me more complete.

Life Is Good (No Matter What)

1. I got a phonecall yesterday for a job interview! I faxed my resume on Monday and got a call yesterday. They left a message and I called 'em back today. I have my interview on Monday.

2. I now have a reason to go shopping for a pair of suit or something. And shoes too. hehehe

3. I haven't been eating and my jeans feel so loose.

4. The other half of my mouth is super squeaky clean.

5. The weather is good. Uhmm, yeah, I am sitting in my office right now but I am off in 30 minutes. Wooohooo! Can't wait to go for my afternoon 3-mile jog.

6. And a lot more...

Life is good.

An-us-thet-ick

Anesthetic -
"a substance that temporarily causes a person to be unable to feel pain, either in a certain area or over the entire body."

I went to the dentist's office today for my deep cleaning. They gave me 6 shots of anesthetic and boy, the numbness was ridiculous! I mean my whole left cheek was numb. The dental hygienist was digging into my gums and I couldn't feel a thing. And as I was looking up, staring at the overhead light I was thinking how cool it would be if there was an anesthetic for the heart.

I have let myself fall into the love trap. It's wonderful. But I feel vulnerable. I don't wanna go much into details but I am so deep into this love trap that if I ever get brokenhearted, it would take me a long time to get over it. When I was searching for love, I was cautious, I told myself not to let it all go. But I did it anyways. I loved without reservations.

Now I wish there's something I can just inject to my chest so I won't feel anything when I begin to feel the pain.

But it would be better if I won't have the need for an anesthetic at all. It would be nice to lay everything to rest and just revel in this wonderful, crazy thing called love.

Lunch Date

So my godmother took me out to lunch today with her son and son's family (wife and little baby.) And my god, all they have to talk about was his son's family problems, her ex being a bitch and demanding more child support etc. They were asking me for advice and I was thinking, god dammit, give me fucking break. This is what I do at my job and THIS is not exactly my idea of a relaxing lunch.

Does my face scream, "I am nice and good at listening!" or do I give off that caring vibe and what not? Do I look like a sounding board?

Grrr. After my last bite I was so tired giving them advises and shit.

Earlier today, I picked up D from his house and dropped him off at the airport for a gig in Tennessee. Boy, I will miss him and I won't be seeing him until Monday.
But that's definitely something to look forward to.

I am having major PMS shit today. And so does D's daughter seems like. Aaaaaah, the joy of being a woman.

Dammit.

Rant

I'm now feeling extremely jealous of my cousin who just got engaged. Yep, she has a diamond ring on her finger now. But that's not what I'm jealous of. I'm jealous that she's found the love of her life and she's all giddy about it.

I've found the love of my life too. But we're nowhere close to that engagement thingy.

I guess I'm jealous, coz my marriage was a failure and now I am part of the statistics of divorced women. I thought I wouldn't care about marriage anymore, thankful that I went through marriage and divorce at a young age. I thought I am done with this stupid relationship love contract shit. I thought I was jaded. But i guess I'm not.

I guess I still believe in "growing old together" and "happily ever after's." Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for her. But the feeling of jealousy is overpowering me. Not that I wanna get engaged too. No. I don't want too, not right now.

I'm not even sure what I am talking about here. Coz I thought I was fiercely independent and could care less whether I have a man in my life or not. But I guess I do care.

I guess I'm just afraid to accept the fact that yep, grass is always greener on the other side. I remember when I was married, I abhored it so much and I always thought it would be so much fun to be single again. I remember getting jealous of my single friends and wanting to be like them again.

Now that I am one of the single crew again, (technically single at least - coz I do have a boyfriend), I feel like my cousin is so much luckier because she just got engaged and getting married in three months.

Oh my. What gives.

More if this rant later. I'm at work and this is starting to get really, really frustrating.

Running Out of Titles

:)

Last night, D and I went to the movies. We saw Sahara (with Penolope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey). The first 10 minutes was really dragging but it picked up when they were already out there in the African dessert. It was entertaining so it was worth watching. Dinner was at Buckhorn Grill. I had a YikYak salad - whatever that was. Hehehe. It was good I finished my whole plate!

Today's chore day Sunday. And gotta go for my 3-mile run. I'll probably go to to Blockbuster too and get couple movies. I was gonna go see my Mom but nah, I'm too lazy and besides gas prices are outrageous! $2.69 for a gallon!

Other than that, it's a pretty laidback Sunday.

Ciao.

Just For The Heck of It

I found this pic in my hard drive as I was doing some spring cleaning. So I'm posting it here just for the heck of it. I think I look funny in this pic. Looks like somebody's not too happy in Mexico.

Hehehe

Is It A Bad Friday Already?

Just before I woke up, I dreamt I had an excruciating headache. Then my phone rang and it was my wake-up call from D. And yep, I was having a head-splitting headache indeed.

I literally crawled to work coz some people are too careful driving in the rain and decided they should be driving 5 mph on the bridge so it became like a funeral procession.

I took 2 Excedrins as I was driving. That's how bad my headache is. I don't usually follow the dosage on the bottle? I usually just take 1 capsule. And when I take 2 that's when you know it is really bad. And I still wanna take more.

Grrrr.

But as I was driving (crawling) in the rain, I picked a random song on my IPOD and it played "It's A Great Day To be Alive" and I have to agree. It's still a great day to be alive. I can still see the sun shine when I close my eyes.

Aaaaah. It's a great day....

If only this freakin headache would go away.......

Wooohooo!

Got a letter today from the City and County of San Francisco. I passed the initial screening for a job I applied for and now I have to take a Written test and also a Bilingual Skills Test. Aaaargh, gotta practice my written and spoken Tagalog. Last time I took this test I almost failed the oral part. It was really hard coz I don't really know if they want the exact oral translation of the sentence or the conversational translation.

Example. They wanted me to translate "Please sign here." In conversational Tagalog, it's "Pirmahan mo dito." Or something to that effect. But their translation was "Lagdaan mo dito." What the hell? Nobody uses "lagda" anymore!

Oh well. Let's see how the test goes.

D came over too. We had a specially wonderful time together. It must have been the pizza I made. Hehehe. Yep! I made pizza tonight, from scratch. Except the dough. I just bought Pillsbury Pizza Dough - the ones you just peel and take it out of the tube, spread it on a round pizza pan and voila! I got my round pizza dough. I put some pasta sauce on it, lotsa cheese, pepperoni, green pepper, mushroom, pineapple and canadian bacon. Stuck it in the oven at 425 degrees for 15 minutes and it was done.

It was some good pizza. D agreed (at gunpoint). Hahaha. No, really, it was good. Except that I can't eat that much of the crust. Too much carb for me so I just scraped off the toppings and left the crust on my plate.

I knew D had 2 consecutive stressful days at work so I made sure I gave him a good full body massage before he went home. And according to him, he enjoyed it tremendously.

Life is good. :)

Why Oh Why

Why in the world did I find this image online right now, when my ass is sitting here at work and looking out the window, I can see blue skies... fuckin gorgeous weather! Somebody get me outta here!!!!

Spring is here! It's unfair. I should be out there enjoying the gorgeous weather and the beautiful desert spring scenery of California.

Get me outta here, pleeeeeeease!!!!!!!!

Sunday Errands

I had to do some grocery shopping today. It's a good thing I already went for a run this morning, if not, I would have been too tired to workout later.

Got me some green mango from Berkeley Bowl, yep, it's green mango, the crunchy kind. The kind you can slice through the white, bitter seed. I dipped it in shrimp paste my mom brought when she came from PI. Hmmmmm, yummy. Reason I love Berkeley Bowl. They have almost everything Asian. They have squash flowers (sabong ti karabasa), although quite expensive. I think it was $.75 per stem. Eeeeek. They also have those rounded eggplants for pinakbet, they even have "bulaklak ng Ipil-ipil!!!!!!!!!!!!" What the hell!!!! LOL

Hmmmm, what else do they have? I think I'm forgetting something. Oh, I also bought a pound of guavas for $2.95 and I was gonna buy a Starfruit but man, it was way beyond my budget. I think it's called Balimbing in Tagalog and Granatis in Ilocano. It was gonna cost $4.95 for one fruit. Hell no!

It's a good Sunday so far. Got two movies - Taxi and Closer. I'm gonna watch Taxi first for some mindless entertainment. I've had enough of the indie films for now so why not watch this one, right?

Ok, I better start watching my movie. That should give me enough time to watch Closer too.

Movie Night Etc.

Tonight was movie night with D. We saw Sin City which I thought was a good movie, interesting and artistic. Then we had dinner at our favorite Thai restaurant near the UC Berkeley campus.

...went back to my place and the rest of the night was awesome, as always.

While we were laying there on my bed, I told him how much our relationship have progressed even after the arguments and misunderstanding we've had. And that I used to be scared to say things and I used to watched my words all the time because I didn't wanna scare or push him away. Then I remembered how we almost broke up 2 months ago but that he was willing to be my crying shoulder, that we were gonna be soulmates no matter what. Then he mentioned something about how there are really no guarantees for the future and that you'll never know what's gonna happen.

I said, "yep," but I am hoping for the best. And I told him that "I am not taking our relationship one day at a time anymore. I like to think that THIS IS IT." And he said "that works for me." And I added, "I want you for a long, long time." And he said, again, "that works for me too." I'm bad coz I made him say it back. Hehehe. And he did, he said he wants me too, for a long, long time.

And as he was leaving and was about to close the door behind him, he turned around and said "me want you for a long, long time. "

That, my friend, made me feel really, really good. :)

WTF?

My mother and I went to the bank today and she saw this obese woman, probably 350 lbs. and she said to me: "You're almost as big as her."

I felt hurt. Yes, I am overweight, I am size 14, 5' 1 1/2" tall but I jog 6 days a week and watch what I eat to lose weight. But I am not close to being "that" big and that comment coming from my mother hit a sore spot in my heart.

When she was still living overseas, my Uncle who came here for a visit went back and showed them my pictures and when I called, she said "you look sooo fat and sooo dark."

Wtf? Yes, I am tan and seriously, I think I am pretty. I have expressive eyes, my dad's nose and I'm glad I don't have her attitude.

So I told her that I don't really care because the love of my life adores me, just the way that I am. Yes, he encourages me and supports me in my weightloss goals but he doesn't care whether I am size 14 or size 4. He still thinks I am beautiful and tells me I do take his breath away.

I wish I could tell my mother that yes, I maybe size 14 but when D makes love to me, he does it like I am the hottest goddess in the whole world.

So who cares?