Back... Again

Ok. I’m back from hibernation. I’m alive and I’m well. Isn’t that great news? Life is good, I think. Dammit.

I intentionally refrained from writing anything on my blog. I actually didn’t write anything, not even in my paper journal. Nothing. I refused to process anything in my brain. Well, yeah, I did try at first. I tried to process everything and picked my own brain for some answers for my gazillion questions. Questions that start with mostly why’s and how’s. I was drained just thinking and processing so I decided fuck that. I decided not to process anything. Ceased asking my questions because I knew I wouldn’t get any answers.

I refused to think. And during those moments that my thoughts got bombarded with the why’s trying to figure out how, why and what the hell really happened, I refused to write my thoughts down. I didn’t want to document the turmoil I was going through. I didn’t wanna have a record of how intense the pain was. This is so not like me but I didn’t want to have that memory. No, I don’t wanna remember every single detail, every stabbing pain I felt while I was sitting in my office, in my car, and in my apartment. No, I don’t wanna remember the tears I cried in the bathroom, the anger and bitterness I felt and the anxiety over unanswered questions. I want to forget how hard it was to face my clients and act like everything’s okay while deep inside my world was caving in. I want to forget that once again, my heart was shattered into tiny, little pieces – hell no, I don’t wanna have that memory.

But isn’t what I’m doing right now? Documenting it? Kinda like creating an electronic imprint of what I was and still going through? Hell, I don’t know. At least I am not writing every little detail. At least right now I am not crying. I am just in a passive state, not feeling anything – aside from the occasional pangs of pain, anger and bitterness that attacks me every now and then.

But I’m alright. Just like Melissa Etheridge's song "BREATHE" goes:

IT ONLY HURTS WHEN I BREATHE

I played the fool today
I just dream of vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

And I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

My window through which nothing hides
And everything sees
I'm counting the signs and cursing the miles in between

Home, is a feeling I buried in you, that I buried in you"

IT ONLY FUCKING HURTS WHEN I BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!

Damn, why the fuck does the heart never learn. I should be better at this now since I’ve had my heart broken in past. It’s not like this is something I am not familiar with. But no, the heart never learns.

Dammit.