It Ain't Real

So I was sitting in my car with the radio on listening to stupid love songs that don't fucking mean anything more. Life is fucking great let me tell you. But I still feel fucking angry. I wish I could help feeling angry and bitter because I just realized how uncapable of loving I have become.

I sat by my window for a long time staring at nothing, thinking about love and how shallow and meaningless it has become. Love don't mean anything to me anymore. Why would it mean anything when I have loved and gave every fucking thing I was capable of giving but still ended up with broken pieces of my heart? Tell me how can that make sense. I know I'm not the first person who's loved and lost and lost very badly but to all those who did, how can that make sense?

So what do you do when you thought you finally found your soulmate but he leaves you with nothing but just imprints of his memory here and there and everywhere? What do you do? Tell me. Do you just fucking go and try to find another soulmate? So maybe I should start believing that maybe somewhere in Asia or Australia sits my soulmate, probably sitting in a cafe whispering to another girl's ear that they are soulmates.... too. Or that a guy in a bullet train in Europe is wishing for his soulmate to cross his path but too bad he married an Italian girl of his dreams, or so he thought until he found out how much of a bitch she really is. God, how many soulmates can we possibly have. But what if each one of us has only one soulmate and the one that just left was the one, then I'd have to live the rest of my life without having one.

Damn, this whole love thing is so fucking bullshit. I don't wanna have to do it with for a very long time. The most handsome, most gorgeous guy can come and ask me out right now but I ain't messing with that shit. Not right now. I don't believe in love. Not for now. Not for a very long time.

I see my heart as nothing but a piece of black tar. Not capable of anything. It's just one ugly blob in it's sorriest state. I never thought it would ever reach this point. I used to sit by the window at my old house, hoping and knowing that someday I would find love that's grand, love that would last fucking forever, or at least something that would last me a lifetime. But now, I've grown, and I don't believe in that crap anymore.

Ok, yeah, I might still go out on dates. Maybe accept dinner invitations but trust me, what's love has to fucking do with it. I'm sorry but I have lost the capacity to love again. I hear stories of broken hearts, lost love and betrayals. I've heard other people's stories way worse than mine. So tell me, where the fuck is real love? Where do you find it?

Do you find it in the 50th wedding anniversary of a couple as they renew their vows? How would I know it's true love between them and not just being scared to be alone? Do you find true love in a high school prom where a beaming young girl gets her first dance and a few months down the road her first dance ends up in someone else's arms?

Where is real love? Real romantic love? Is there such thing? Or are we just fucking living in a dream world? Was I fucking living in a dream world thinking I can find true love? Thinking I can find my soulmate, someone who would wanna spend a long time with me? Tell me, should have I planted my feet on the ground? Why did nobody ever tell me that love is nothing but a figment of our imagination? That it doesn't really exist. That we imagine it too much that we begin to actually believe in it. That it's real.

Then one day, life whips you in the ass and you wake up. You open your eyes and you see, there is no love. Because everything was just a dream. Just a fucking dream....