My Past Twenty-four Christmases

One more night and it will be Christmas Eve. Rhoda and I did some last minute Christmas shopping today, along with thousands of other people who proscatinate buying Christmas gifts. I was actually done with my shopping but Rhoda needed more for her family. God, the lines were freakin long! Parking lots were full and it was almost impossible to find a spot for my little car.

What's weird though is that in the middle of this crazy Christmas frenzy, I can't seem to get in the spirit of Christmas. It's so unlike it when I still live in the Philippines. Yes, I do have a beautiful tree, a freshly cut one that I water everyday, nicely decorated with Christmas balls, ornaments, lights and tinsels. I have a Christmas centerpiece on my coffee table, a wreath on my front door and a mistletoe hanging on the doorway. But why does it feel so different? Why can't I seem to get excited like the way I used to in the Philippines?

I sat there in my living room staring at the gifts under my tree. It made me feel good that I was blessed with a little bit of money so I can buy little presents for people I hold dear in my heart. But I am longing for that Filipino Christmas spirit. I just can't feel it. Maybe it's because I am away from my family and friends. Maybe it's because I am not in the same house where I have spent the past 24 Christmases of my life. Maybe because I don't see that many houses adorned with Christmas lights and other decors like they do in the Philippines. Or maybe it's because of the absence of a traditional "parol" (Christmas lantern) in front of my house. I don't know.

There are so many things that I am missing. When I was growing up, I used to think how Christmas would be better if my family could afford a nice Christmas tree, even just the fake ones. I used to dream of cutting my own Christmas tree and trimming it with nice ornaments and tinsel. I used to wish I can have a mistletoe in my house. All of these things used to be a dream, a wish. And I remember how I used to think that they would make Christmas merrier, better.

Then I moved to the United States. I went and cut my own tree. I trimmed it with tinsels and ornaments. I made a wreath for my front door and hung Christmas lights on my window. Mistletoes, poinsettias, Christmas stockings and all the good stuff. I got all the things I've always dreamed of as a kid. But no, they didn't make my Christmases here any better.

Every Christmas, I find myself still longing for that little Christmas tree made of sticks and twigs, decorated with candies and those styrofoam peanuts (ones you used in packaging) on a string. The Christmas tree standing in my living room right now is a far cry from the brown twigs my family used to have as a Christmas tree. The gifts sitting under my tree are way bigger than the presents that used to sit under the dried branches of what we called a "Christmas Tree" back home. But why can't I feel the same kind of Christmas spirit that I used to feel? What is it that makes Christmas back home seem way merrier and more festive?

I miss the festive Filipino Christmas. I miss singing Christmas carols and I miss handing out money and candies to Christmas carolers that come to our front door. I miss the "parol" and the "noche buena." I miss everything about Christmas back home.

Someday I'll go back. Someday I'll have that Christmas tree made of dead tree branches and twigs again.

Someday...

But for now, I'll just go sit by my tree, sip a glass of Eggnog as I listen to my Christmas CD, and relive the beautiful memories of my past 24 Christmases.